If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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