my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
