They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
