I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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