I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
