I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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