Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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