I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
