Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I deserve this hangover.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
