Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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