I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
