My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Randomize
