I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
