just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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