I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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