Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
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I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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