He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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