I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
