Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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