I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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