I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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