even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you mean i was at the winter classic?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
