Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
