He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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