Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
