I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize