If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
