I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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