I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
