Swine flu. Run for my life!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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