i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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