he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
