got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
