how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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