The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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