I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
