i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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