Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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