I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just invented taco cereal.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
