I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
