so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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