I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
