I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Enjoy the penises
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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