In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
