her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
