I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
two words...techno handjob
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
