Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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