your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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