respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
