I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
