Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
