The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
