I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
