The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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