in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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