In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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