You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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